Opinion
Kim’s talk guided students to compassion
By Eva Lynch-Comer ’19
February 4, 2016
Tags opinion
On Tuesday, January 26, founder and publisher of the popular online feminist magazine Everyday Feminism Sandra Kim came to Hamilton to talk about how we, as students, can take an intersectional approach to ending sexual assault and domestic violence in our campus community. Given that one-in-four women and one-in-16 men will become victims of sexual assault at some point in their lives, it is important for us to have workshops like these. Sometimes, however, people are very reluctant to talk about sexual assault because of the sensitive nature of the topic. So the most pressing question is how can we create a community within this campus in which we can provide support for our fellow students who have been victims of sexual assault? If one of your friends told you that they were a victim of sexual assault, what would you say? It can be difficult to know how to react in such a situation, but Sandra Kim, who has extensive experience working with victims of sexual violence, stated that the most important thing to do is to listen.
During her lecture, Sandra Kim spoke of the many barriers that may prevent victims of sexual assault from coming forward with their experience. We live in a society with a large and pervasive rape culture, and people tend to blame the victim more than the perpetrator. Because of this, people often engage in privileged listening. Sandra Kim described privileged listening as listening with wariness and judgement; assuming you know what the person is talking about, and dismissing their concerns and feelings as not legitimate.
To show an example of when people can engage in privileged listening, Kim provided a hypothetical situation in which a cisgender and heterosexual woman had been sexually assaulted by a cisgender and heterosexual man. In this theoretical situation, the woman was intoxicated and was wearing revealing clothes. Common responses to this could be, “She deserved what she got,” or “She was asking for it.” Furthermore, some people could defend the man who sexually assaulted her by saying, “Boys will be boys,” or, “A man has needs.” Sandra Kim went on to say that this is a reflection of the commonly held notions that women should be sexually available at all times and that men have a certain degree of sexual entitlement.
As you move on into more marginalized groups, the judgement becomes even more harsh. LGBTQ+ people, disabled people, people of color and people within other marginalized groups are more likely to be targeted for sexual assault than their white, male, heterosexual and cisgender counterparts. Yet, people from within these marginalized groups may receive less sympathy, especially if they are in a non-heterosexual relationship. Sandra Kim explained that there is a widely-held notion that, because people in non-heterosexual relationships do not occupy the gender roles that society is so used to seeing, people don’t really perceive their abuse as legitimate abuse.
So how can we be open and supportive toward our peers who have been victims of sexual assault, and how can we avoid engaging in privileged listening? Sandra Kim proposed the idea of intersectional and inclusive listening. There are many things you must do in order to engage in this form of listening. One thing you should do is listen with humility and compassionate curiosity. You have to recognize that the victim of sexual assault will only share what they are willing to share, and you should listen thoughtfully and respectfully. You also have to realize that given your different background, you probably do not know what they are talking about and that is okay. You can respectfully ask questions to help them explore what is going on and help them brainstorm possible solutions. You can also learn more through online research and by talking to people whose work is to provide support for that issue. It is also okay to ask the victim of sexual assault how they would like you to support them, and do so, if possible. Finally, remember to check back to see how they are doing.
Many of us have seen the sexual assault notices taped to the back of our bathroom doors, which read, “Sexual Assault: Help and Support at Hamilton College; If you (or someone you know) may have experienced a sexual assault or unwanted sexual contact of any kind, tell someone what happened. Help and support are available.” The pamphlet lists many different campus resources that a person can use if they have been sexually assaulted and need support. The counseling center provides confidential personal support, and a victim of sexual assault can also report the incident to Title IX Coordinator Lisa Magnarelli, among other options. So yes, at an institutional level, help and support are available. While this pamphlet puts forth a large array of very valuable and reliable resources—one of the most important resources to have is the support of your fellow peers and friends.
“We all have different filters through which we view the world,” said Sandra Kim, “because we have all had different experiences.” However, it is important for us students to remember that we have to support one another, and listen to each other without judgement, but with empathy and compassion.