Features
Sex and the campus: Whips and chains: Not just for Halloween
By Kate Cieplicki ’16
October 29, 2015
At the end of a long day, do you ever just want to lie on your bed naked and have your sexual partner tie you up? Ok, maybe you don’t crave these sort of sexual encounters. Yet. Experimenting with BDSM sexual practices can provide real benefits to your sex life while improving your mood. If nothing else, trying out new BDSM inspired activities in the bedroom can make a mundane sex life more interesting.
BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission and Sadism & Masochism. Approximately one fifth of people incorporate these practices into their sex life to varying extents. BDSM is a broad category. Activities can range from gently biting your partner’s ear to engaging in a full-blown dominant-submissive relationship complete with a contract (but without the weird abusive relationship dynamic of Fifty Shades of Grey).
A BDSM sexual encounter implies that one sexual actor is the dominant while the other is the submissive. In a healthy BDSM encounter, both dominants and submissives benefit from their respective roles. The dominant (the person “in charge” of the sexual situation) gains a feeling of power from the sexual encounter. Most dominants may feel out of control in other aspects of their life and find refuge in being in total control of their partner’s pleasure. Submissives tend to have Type A personalities. They are in control of other aspects of their life and like taking a break in the bedroom to be pleasured and controlled. The submissive can remove their consent from the dominant at anytime, no questions asked.
Though male dominants and female submissives are somewhat more visible in the BDSM community, researchers believe that an approximately equal number of men and women like being dominants and submissives (many like experimenting with both roles). The prevalence of male submissives helps explain why the dominatrix (women who are paid to sexually dominate men) business is huge.
When I talk to people about BDSM, I encounter a couple of misconceptions. Some people believe that individuals who want to try BDSM are emotionally damaged or trying to overcome past traumas. In reality, research doesn’t indicate that individuals drawn to BDSM are any more “damaged” than individuals who prefer more vanilla sex. In fact, people who engage in elements of a BDSM relationship with their partner tend to trust their partner more and show lower stress levels after sex. Relationships that incorporate BDSM also encourage more conversation about the sex a couple is having, often resulting in better, more conscientious sex.
Another misconception of BDSM is that BDSM always involves pain. Yes, pain can be part of BDSM, but it doesn’t have to be. BDSM plays with sensation. For example, grabbing someone’s hips firmly, blindfolding someone, running a feather down someone’s chest or pinning their hands above their head could all be considered part of BDSM, even though none of these acts involve pain. Of course, some BDSM practices do incorporate pain, but it is pain that a partner receives willingly and finds pleasure in either experiencing or overcoming. Some people like incorporating pain into sexual activities because pain in a certain area (e.g. slapping a butt) can increase sensation in an already erogenous zone, making sex feel even better. There are many beneficial elements to BDSM whether it involves pain or not. I encourage you not to let a fear of pain keep you from sprinkling some BDSM elements into your sex life. Both people in long-term relationships and people looking to hook-up can experiment with BDSM.
Individuals in monogamous relationships can explore BDSM fairly easily. Make it a date! Drive to the local New Hartford mall and peruse the sex toy section of Spencer’s Gifts. These toys are cheap and easy to use. Purchase a few items that look intriguing or make you giggle and test them out in bed, preferably when you’re both sober. Establish a safe word to ensure consent, establish who will be dominant and who will be submissive (you can each try each role) and go from there. Debrief afterward on what felt good and what didn’t. For the cheap toys that you enjoy (e.g. pink fuzzy handcuffs), invest in a better version of the toy from an online sex store or Amazon (e.g. actual Velcro ties). These products are of a higher quality and will last longer than Spencer toys so they are worth the extra money. If you don’t enjoy any toy, that’s ok too! You can always come back to certain accessories or put BDSM experimentation on the shelf for a different time or a different relationship.
Incorporating BDSM into a hook-up is trickier, but still possible. Here, as in a relationship, consent is absolutely mandatory. Don’t just hit someone with a belt or pull out a Taser (yes, it’s happened). If you and your hook-up have chemistry and are comfortable together, bring up something specific you are interested in trying. For example, a dominant may ask “Is it ok if I try tying your hands together with my tie?” while a submissive may ask “Can you tie my hands up with your tie?” You may not get to drizzle hot wax on your hook-up’s body, but you can try to incorporate some elements of BDSM practices. The worst a partner can say is no (and if they do say no, of course, respect that choice). Once a partner agrees to try a certain activity, as in a long-term relationship it is important to establish and respect a safe word. BDSM is only BDSM if consent can be revoked at anytime. Otherwise, it is sexual assault.
Consider adding some kink to your next sexual experience. It is fun and healthy to want to expand the parameters of your sexuality and experimenting with BDSM is one way to do so. If you want to learn more about BDSM, check out blogs and forums. These share real-life BDSM experiences and tips for couples and individuals looking to enter the BDSM scene.
*A big thank you to the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast “Healthy Kink” that helped with my research for this article.