Features
Sex and the Campus: Keeping your long-distance relationship sexy
By Kate Cieplicki ’16
January 28, 2016
This time last year I was in the first month of an eight-month long distance relationship. My boyfriend spent a semester in Madrid, Spain and then the summer in Boulder, Colorado while I lived in Amsterdam, Netherlands during the semester and worked in Syracuse, New York over the summer. We made it (yay!) but it was tough, sad and frustrating at times. Now, a year later, I’m reflecting on what helped us keep our relationship loving and sexually fulfilling in the hopes of helping other couples that are spending time apart this semester. To keep things sexy, I’ve also done research on cool sex apps and toys that all of you long distance lovebirds should try that I wish I’d known about last year!
Of course, the bread and butter of most sexually frustrated couples in long distance relationships is Skype sex and sexting. Good Skype sex is challenging to have, but can be really sexy if done right. Think of Skype dates as normal dates. Get dressed up, feel good about yourself, wear bold make-up (if that’s your thing as this shows up better on camera) and even light some candles. Be prepared for things to be a little awkward at first and approach Skype sex with a sense of humor. Incorporating toys can also make Skype sex sexier (more on that later).
The key to good sexting is to be honest and detail-oriented. Talk about what you’re doing to your body and how you’re feeling. Safe picture-sharing options such as Snapchat often enhance the sexting experience (just make sure you trust your partner). Writing and emailing your partner erotica is also really sexy. Write about a time you two had great sex together or about fulfilling a sexual fantasy that you both share. The best thing about erotica is that your partner can read it again and again when they are turned on but you are not available to sext.
Apps can also keep a long distance relationship sexy. One called “Couple” lets you and your partner track your relationship’s development whether you are together or apart and also has a feature that allows couples to “thumb kiss.” To thumb kiss, one partner puts their thumb to the screen and the other presses against the thumbprint. When your thumbs match, your screens vibrate together! Though it may seem a little corny, I also think this sounds pretty intimate and comforting. Couple also lets you and your partner draw digital pictures together. Game-oriented apps such as Words with Friends and Trivia Crack can also help you feel connected to your partner through friendly competition.
Though apps are a good way to stay connected with your partner the problem with them, at least for me, is that Wi-Fi is not always available abroad. This means that you can only use the apps when you have Wi-Fi and cannot update your partner as you do fun activities. I therefore preferred taking pictures of what I was doing then sending them to my boyfriend at the end of the day. We also Skyped about once a week to catch up more thoroughly. I liked this communication strategy better because it encouraged me to really live in the moment while I was abroad. My relationship couldn’t distract me because I could only talk to my boyfriend at night when I was in my apartment and relaxing anyway!
Some things that would have come in handy while I was in the comfort of my apartment and in Wi-Fi, however, are new high-tech sex toys that are especially designed for long distance couples. One of these toys, Lovense, comes with both a vibrating fleshlight-like product for male stimulation and a penetrative vibrator for female stimulation. These toys are both controlled with a matching app such that each partner can control the other partner’s toys vibrations no matter how far away they are. The app also allows couples to video chat while they play with their toys. Sounds like fun to me!
Another sex toy that seems great for couples in long distance relationships is called “Clone a Willy/Clone a Pussy.” This gel-like product allows you to make a detailed mold of your partner’s vagina or penis to play with while they are anyway. Perhaps this is a little creepy (don’t let your host mom find this one!) but could be a fun activity for you and your partner to try while you are still together that will remind you of each other when you are apart.
Even if you and your partner stay connected sexually and emotionally while in a long distance relationship, challenges will still come up. The best way to navigate going out in a long distance relationship is discussing boundaries, even if it’s awkward. Discuss all of the nuances of what is and is not acceptable when you and your partner are not together. Some people opt for an open relationship, some couples set a limit on the number of people a person can hook-up with, some couples say that anything other than kissing is not ok and some couples say that any physical contact with others is unacceptable. Any sexual boundaries (or lack thereof) are ok as long as you and your partner agree to them in advance.
Ideally, you and your partner will visit each other throughout the duration of your long distance relationship (though I know that this is not financially feasible for everyone). The five times that I saw my partner over the eight months that we were apart really helped me to carry on month to month and gave me something to look forward to. If you can’t visit each other, be sure to set concrete dates for long conversations and stick to them. Reconnecting with your partner emotionally as well as sexually while they are away is essential for sustaining the relationship.
While keeping your long-distance relationship sexy and loving is important, taking space from your partner while you’re abroad is equally important. A relationship should provide you with strength, not limitations and a long distance relationship should do the same. Keep things sexy, set clear boundaries, trust your partner and remember that you are working towards a time when you will both be back together in the same place. Trust me, it’s worth it.