Opinion
First-year virgins and college dating: what to know and what to expect
By Emily Steates ’19
September 15, 2016
Tags opinion
Last year, I entered college as a virgin. I was frightened that my lack of sexual experience would both isolate me from my peers and hinder my ability to engage in romantic relationships in the future. I was not opposed to the idea of having sex in college, but I was anxious about being behind the curve compared to others in the first-year class.
Portrayals of teen sex in popular culture only exacerbated my anxiety. Movies such as American Pie, Easy A and Superbad all suggest that sex is directly attached to one’s emotional maturity and social status. Likewise, songs such as Sam Adams’ “I Hate College” made it seem as if sex was one of the only enjoyable parts of an undergraduate’s life. He sings, “I hate college but love gettin’ laid.” By these standards, if you are not having sex, you are missing out on a vital part of the college experience.
However, as I became more comfortable with myself and my new friends, insecurities regarding my sexual history faded. By fostering relationships with people who respected my decisions regarding sex, the social pressures that I felt lessened. It has now become evident that despite the hookup culture that exists at Hamilton (and most colleges around the country), entering the first year as a virgin is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time, I was far from alone as a college virgin. According to Kathleen Bogle, Ph.D., author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus around one quarter of all U.S. college students are virgins. She adds, “even for those who have had sex, the most common number of sexual partners to have had in the past year is one.”
If college virgins aren’t uncommon, why is the prospect of entering college without sexual experience so daunting? The immense pressure to get rid of one’s virginity is not surprising once we consider the lack of dating culture in college. Bogle’s book discusses the growing dominance of hookups over romantic relationships at universities around the country. She found that in recent years, students have become much more compelled to have sex before actually getting to know each other. In her book, she includes an excerpt from an article by journalist Tom Wolfe that demonstrates the mentality that many college students have today: “Today’s first base is deep kissing …plus groping and fondling and this and that. Second base is oral sex. Third base is going all the way. Home plate is learning each other’s names.”
She found in her study that while many students may ultimately be looking for an exclusive relationship, they do not pursue those relationships through dating. Often times, a couple will become sexually involved before deciding to become romantically involved. For students who have never had sex before, the prospect of beginning a relationship with sexual intimacy can be extremely intimidating and can discourage them from joining their college’s dating scene.
When I spoke with others who entered college as virgins, many shared these fears regarding assimilation into Hamilton’s social circles. These virgins felt that their first-year peers would perceive them as juvenile. This created a great amount of anxiety during a year that was already consumed with making friends and possible romantic connections. A perceived immaturity made these students feel both isolated from the rest of their class and incapable of actively participating in college dating life. As a result, a lack of experience was not only embarrassing and frightening, but it fostered an environment in which students felt compelled to have sex for all of the wrong reasons.
Despite the fears expressed by some virgins that they would be perceived as immature, I believe that waiting until you are ready to have sex—whether that be before, during or after college—can actually show an increased level of maturity. Adhering to your own level of comfort, despite social pressures to engage in sex, is a sign that you are capable of introspection and self-respect. Conforming to norms of sexual activity solely to fit in or to boost your social status, on the other hand, indicates that you value other student’s perceptions of you more than your own emotions.
Students can hold off on having sex for any number of reasons, ranging from religious or moral objection to precaution against pregnancy or STIs and STDs. However, simply waiting for the time and place that a person feels most comfortable is an equally valid concern that should be respected. No person should feel obligated to have sex before they feel completely ready to do so. Sex is a very enjoyable experience, especially if you are positive that it is something you are comfortable doing.
Entering college as a virgin can be intimidating. However, the embarrassment and social pressures that accompany a lack of experience may seem trivial once you are surrounded by those within our community who will not define you by your sexual history. Past decisions about sex only hinder your ability to participate in Hamilton’s social scene if you allow them to. I have found that once you dive into the Hamilton community, you begin to realize that the college expirence encompases so much more than sex, and being a virgin