Features
We pledge allegiance to Hamiltonia...
By Grant Hamilton ’18
October 6, 2016
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In the absence of a nearby city, Hamilton is self-reliant in many ways. Students do not need to leave campus to have a good time, they simply make their own. This combination of vibrant on-campus life and geographic isolation leads to the existence of a unique culture here. It is so easy to get used to life here and take our singularity for granted after a couple of years. Perhaps the distinct features of our institution would be more apparent if we used an analogy—what would Hamilton be like if it were a country?
Let’s call this country Hamiltonia because it should sound vaguely like a real country. The first step is pinning down where we would be on the map, and as predictable as it may sound, Hamiltonia would be inbetween New York and Canada. It would be just under Quebec and not all that close to Lake Ontario, so we still get to reference the lake effect (as if we actually understand what the lake effect is). Despite being between such densely populated regions, Hamiltonia will still somehow be in the middle of nowhere. For such a small population, Hamiltonia is a massive territory, mostly composed of unsettled forests. As you may have guessed by now—Hamiltonia is also cold, but that does not bring its hearty people down.
And what are the citizens of Hamiltonia like? It is a notably youthful country, as 90 percent of its population somehow hovers between the ages of 18 and 22. Due to seasonal migration, its population shrinks to nearly nothing in the summers, as its citizens move to where the internships are. Hamiltonians trace their roots to New York City, Southwestern Connecticut and just outside of Boston. Only 25 percent of prospective citizens are allowed entrance to Hamiltonia, and the civics test is a grueling four hours assessing ability in Critical Reading, Math and Writing.
Hamiltonia has two major urban areas—Lightsideton in the north and Darkside City in the south. Lightsideton is located in the older region and is known for its financial district. Darkside City has a more progressive population and a thriving art scene. Hamiltonians are required to live in public housing, tend to change residences once a year, and some live out in the suburbs off of Griffin Highway. The public transportation is not that great—the entire country only has, like, two buses.
Unfortunately, unemployment is rampant in Hamiltonia. Teaching is by far the most popular profession, and the nation prides itself in the ability of its educators. The millennials only have part-time jobs, if any, working in the library or as lifeguards. The agricultural industry practices all-natural farming and beekeeping, but the nation remains dependent upon Bon Appétit. Hamiltonia’s major exports include Math majors and, and its primary imports are Cold- EEZE and Keystone Light.
The current president is David Wippman, although a mysterious board of oligarchs may actually pull the strings. A citizen council also exists, but I am not sure what they are up to. The United Nations accused Hamiltonia of human rights violation due to the early start date of fall semester, but citizens otherwise enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle. Long-standing hostilities exist with the bordering nation of Colgatistan, despite the fact that other countries can hardly tell them apart.
I think if I had to equate Hamilton College to a single country, it would be Switzerland—small but well-liked. I myself am a proud Hamiltonian whose school spirit exists as a sort of staunch nationalism in this analogy. Frankly, I believe that we make a much better school than a country. As troubled as Hamiltonia’s future may be, I have high hopes for Hamilton College.