Features
Amar Kassim ’20: Inbetweener
By Amar Kassim ’20
September 29, 2016
Tags features
In the midst of the intensity and rigor of the summer program of the Higher Education Opportunity Program, we were required to give a speech about who we are. Many of us stumbled upon the dual per- sonality of this question: simple but complex at the same time. It was difficult to summarize our identities in a few minutes, not that we actually knew who we are in the first place! HEOPstudents gathered to give their speeches and tell their stories in the Kennedy Center along with Ms. Breland, Ms. Davis and even some professors who came solely because they were interested in learning more aboutthestudentstheywereteaching. The first couple of speeches filled the room with an aura of solemnity and sensation, creating a safe envi- ronment for us to express and share freely our stories of fears overcome, life-changing events and existing aspirations for life at Hamilton.
As the final days of the summer program were upon us, I started looking forward and becoming anxious about this time of surrealism, when the nostalgic blackness of the stage enveloped us and the emo- tional stories caused glistening tears to penetrate the corners of our eyes. As the day progressed and the final speecheswerearticulated,Iwasstruck by one that spoke to me dearly, that was so accurately descriptive of my state. It was titled “Inbetweener,” influenced by a poem that the nar- rator recited at the beginning of the speech. The poem read as followed:
When I’m here,
I call there “back home” and people nod, they understand that
I am here occupying this space, but that it is not really my true space,
not my real space.
that I belong somewhere else somewhere where I am more fluid, more myself.
Somewhere where my name is fa- miliar and my skin is at home.
but when I’m there
they ask me how long I will be staying, when
I will be going “back home”
they make the food milder, the tea sweeter,
they slow the roll of their tongues and wash out their accents,
they call me American girl, and laugh at the way my skin peels,
the way I eat mangos,
and how much chicken I leave on the bone.
and I remember, that I am an inbetweener
always straddling never belonging completely anywhere.
-Key Ballah, inbetweener
Inbetweener: I have always felt like one, but I have never been able to describe myself so aptly. This simple word resonated with me, for I think that I am an inbe- tweener in many aspects of my life. When I was in Yemen, I was always the one who was seen as a nonconformist for my unique per- sonality and unorthodox disposi- tion. I despised adhering to what society dictated as normal and what tradition declared was allowed. People depreciated my individual- ism and looked at me differently. They blamed my family for bearing such ideologies and associated such a state of mind with my father–– who had been in the United States for more than 12 years. They could never understand that my principles are the product of my sole creation.
Similarly, when I came to the United States, I was treated as that stranger who is resistant to abandon his primitive tradition. I was always viewed as “not American enough” to be given the full legitimacy of an individual. Although this fluctuation in identity has caused me to be unfit for several societies, it is what makes me unique: it is what gives me the advantage of being able to communicate to two different societies, with different languages, different norms and living standards. This identity of the inbetweener is what makes me who I am.
“‘From Where I Sit’ is a column dedicated to international students’ voices. If you are interested in contributing a piece, contact Britt Hysell.”