April 19, 2012
Since the dawn of time, humankind has yearned to combine the planet’s two greatest pleasures: food and sex. If you’re Seinfeld’s George Costanza, the solution is simple: stick a submarine sandwich in the bedside drawer and call it a day. If you’re anyone with half an ounce of tact, however, you’d probably rule out embarking on a mid-sex sandwich break.
Something you might not have ruled out, however, is the possibility of adding some more—uh—seductive foods to your foreplay routine. Ever thought about drizzling chocolate sauce or honey all over your body? How about licking whipped cream off your partner’s chest? I’m sure Cosmo, at least, has recommended these activities to you at some point in time, right? Well, so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I tend to question whether even “sexy” foods can make any real improvement to your love life.
“Have him squirt a trail of whipped cream on your inner thighs, and lap it up when he’s done,” an article on the Cosmo websites suggests. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I can’t think of anything inherently sexy about a processed dairy product being dispensed from an aerosol can. That’s not to mention how surprisingly filling whipped cream is; once you’ve “lapped up” that “trail” of whipped cream, you might be more ready for a tummy rub than a round of sex.
Honey, then, might seem like a better alternative; it’s delicious, all-natural and thankfully doesn’t come out of a Cheez Whiz-esque nozzle. But think again. The honey-drizzling part is certainly fun...until you realize you have two nanoseconds to lick it up before it solidifies in a sticky, crusty catastrophe, wreaking havoc on your skin and hair. Don’t believe me? Have fun bringing your boyfriend with you to class in the morning because his hair is still inextricably affixed to your navel region.
Cosmo also recommends that “if you have a sweet tooth, dribble some chocolate sauce on your man’s abdomen, then slowly lick it off.” First of all, I don’t recommend scoring a hook-up with the line, “Hey baby, let me dribble some chocolate sauce on your abdomen.” Sweet tooth or not, chocolate doesn’t seem much more appealing. Sure, it’s a known aphrodisiac, but that doesn’t mean you have to consume it during sex. Call me uptight, but I’m not sure I could focus on licking chocolate sauce off my partner’s body if I knew it had the potential to irreparably stain my white duvet.
I heard once that bananas can be fun to incorporate into sex...because nothing gets a man in the mood like watching his partner take bites out of a phallic-shaped fruit.
I’ll admit that I’m not completely against all food when it comes to foreplay. I think berries are actually pretty seductive and relatively un-awkward. They’ve got the sweetness without the stickiness, the playfulness without the mess, and they don’t come out of an aerosol can.
So what’s the verdict on combining food with your foreplay routine? Ultimately, I think it rarely works out the way it’s intended to. What seems like a potentially sexy, spicy and innovative idea usually results in a totally awkward, sticky mess. The only potential upside is that you and your partner will inevitably undergo an adorable, laughter-filled bonding session as you realize that you’ve just squirted chocolate sauce into his eye, or that you don’t have the stomach capacity to consume the amount of whipped cream you’ve just applied across her back.
What’s the best way to combine food and sex? Take me for a steak dinner, and then let’s hit the bedroom.