September 4, 2014
Hi first years, welcome to Hamilton! Are you amazed by how attractive everyone is? And intelligent? And friendly? Don’t you just want to sleep with everyone? Well, maybe not everyone. But that cute guy in your calc class? The president of that club you just joined? The entire chess team?
Your first-year at Hamilton is full of the temptation to overindulge in food, studying, romance and even (especially) sex. No parents, no curfew and lots of booze means that potential sexual partners can easily become actual sexual partners.
With a make-out session and even sex so accessible, it’s easy to feel as though you should hit the sack with anyone who strikes your fancy. After all, college is a time to explore your likes and dislikes and really get to “Know Thyself”. Sleeping with a lot of people is surely the best way to find out what you like (and don’t like) in bed. Right?
And anyway, you’re already exploring a lot of things that are out of your comfort zone through joining a new sports team or club, going hiking or trying a cilantro melon sip. It’s easy to think of hooking-up as one of those “explorations.” It also seems like hooking up is fun because everyone is doing it but the campus culture sometimes seems to go even farther and frame random hook-ups as a rite of passage that every college student must go through before they can have a meaningful relationship.
The intent of this article is not to condemn hooking up or premarital sex. Frankly, I think that hook ups can be valuable learning experiences and that sex (especially good sex) is always really, really fun. All I want to do is give you some real talk about things I wish I’d known about hooking-up my first-year fall:
Not everyone on this campus hooks up or even goes out:
When you’re at a party and see a bunch of people making out, it’s easy to feel like you’re the odd one out. Just try to remember that there are lots of people on this campus (including a large number of upperclassmen) who choose not to hook up for various reasons. Not wanting to hook up on any given night is totally valid.
The chances of you meeting the love of your life at Breakaway are slim, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun:
The above point having been made, if you do choose to hook up, I strongly advise low expectations. By “low expectations” I mean low expectations that the hook-up will turn into a relationship. Bob is not buying you a drink at Breakaway because he’s looking for love. He’s buying you a drink because he wants to get some. If you both “want some” then this can be a mutually fun, satisfying, no-strings-attached experience. If, however, you start dancing with Bob thinking he is looking for a Mrs. or Mr. Bob things will get messy very, very quickly. There are exceptions to this no-one-hooking-up-wants-a-significant-other rule, but low expectations keep disappointment to a minimum. And who knows? Someone may surprise you. I will note, however, that while low expectations for the long-term potential of a hook-up are crucial, high standards for the way a hook-up should treat you (with respect) are even more essential and worth mentioning.
Don’t wait for Saturday night to talk to that person you like:
A common sentiment I heard in my first-year was: “I really like this guy, so I’m going to get drunk this weekend and try to find him and dance with him.” Please don’t do that! Yes, it’s a lot less scary to talk to people when you’ve had a couple of drinks, but it’s also a lot easier to say or do too much and ruin what could have been a shot at something more special than a hook-up. Conversations with people who’ve piqued your interest while you’re drunk are ok, but don’t rely on alcohol as a way to tell (or show) someone that you’re interested in being more than friends.
You are worth more than the sum of your parts:
You, yes you, reading this article are beautiful, valuable and interesting. But that person you want to sleep with probably doesn’t know or care about the interesting parts. They care about your body, your face and the way you’re dressed. They don’t care that you have two brothers or a pet fish. No offense intended. It’s just that hooking-up is inherently selfish, and chances are good that your hook up wants your body for their pleasure. Now is it ok for that selfishness to be mutual? Totally. As I said above, when approached the right way hooking-up can be liberating and fun. But if you’re not careful it can also leave you (and I’m talking to guys and girls here) feeling used and empty. Please don’t mistake sexual affection for actual affection. We all deserve someone who gives us actual affection: someone who will “absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more” in the words of Bob Marley. Someone with whom you want to spend all of Sunday morning, not just Saturday night. That type of mutual affection ultimately cultivates the best sexual affection anyway.
In the meantime don’t worry if it seems like everyone but you is hooking up, because they aren’t. Keep low expectations but high standards, don’t use alcohol as a way to show interest in a person, and don’t mistake someone wanting to sleep with you for someone liking you. Keep faith that there is someone out there who wants nothing more than to cuddle with you and watch Netflix. Go out, have fun, mess up, go against all my suggestions, but please don’t strive for less than actual, authentic affection, if that’s what you’re seeking. Until next time!
No comments yet.
Comment Guidelines
Please log in to post a comment