Opinion
Beyond hook-ups: Building relationships on the Hill
By Vrinda Khanna '13
February 9, 2012
Hooking up at Hamilton: it’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times. It can be the ultimate high or the ultimate low, depending on what we’re looking for in these encounters. As far as I’ve observed, it is precipitated by a social atmosphere and a bit of liquid courage. However you define hooking up—from smooching to having sex—it insinuates an intimate set of relations between people. It may or may not be considered part of the essential Hamilton experience, but there is certainly a lot of it happening on campus.
In my experience, talking to people about hooking up generally yields positive responses— and why not? It’s free, a good source of exercise and a good way to release built-up tensions from the work-laden week. Provided you and your partner are safe and smart, there are few disadvantages to going out on a weekend and having a good time. That is, unless you’re looking for something more serious than a casual fling: an actual relationship.
Although there certainly are people in committed relationships, it seems like the primary dating culture at Hamilton involves relationships that only last a night or two. I’ve known people whose hook-ups have developed into relationships, but that’s rather uncommon. It seems strange how the process in that situation is reversed; you get to know someone intimately and then become friends. It’s great when it works out, but it seems like an inversion of the preconcieved notions of courtship.
It’s taken me two and a half years at Hamilton to develop a decisive opinion about the hooking up culture. At first I was surprised. The transition from my bubble of friends who barely breathed tales of sex, alcohol and drugs, to an atmosphere where they’re basically part of the social life stunned me. Surprise turned into interest: Could I be one of those classically attractive Hamilton students who could charm another attractive specimen at a Bundy party? Interest turned into experimentation, hope, regret, experimentation, and so on until the final stage of acceptance. I realized I wanted something more than hooking up had to offer: an emotional connection, one of hooking up’s fatal flaws.
Though hooking up fulfills sexual desires, it suppresses other emotional feelings like attachment and love. In my experience, it’s very hard to separate the physical and emotional aspects, and thus, the whole concept of hooking up made me feel conflicted and crappy about myself. I couldn’t figure out how people successfully push aside their other emotions when they wake up next to a one-time lover, say goodbye and see him or her in Commons a few hours later.
Since Hamilton is such a small school, seeing a new acquaintance from the weekend is a nearly unavoidable experience.
So, what is the actual dating culture at Hamilton? How do people who long for emotional attachment actually get into relationships since it seems that the most intimate relations occur on the weekends and are fueled by alcohol? Why are we less afraid to flirt with potential lovers at a party rather than the dining hall?
I think it’s because we have fewer inhibitions and know that our person of interest probably does, too. In any everyday situation, approaching someone we like the way we would at a party is a lot more difficult. The possibility that a special someone will reject us, our personalities and our egos shakes us to the core. It prevents us from asking out that guy from our intramural soccer team who we barely know but think is rather dashing. We must overcome the fear of rejection. Some of us already have the ability to approach others, exude confidence and be direct with our intentions and interests; that’s the best way to get what we want.
For those of us who aren’t yet completely comfortable with ourselves, how do we do that? By transferring some of the confidence we exhibit in activities, athletics and social lives to this other aspect of our self-image: the part of our persona that wants to believe it is attractive, desirable and worthy of attention from a romantic interest. If we show that we like ourselves and act like we know what we’re doing, chances are the person we’re interested in will think the same.
Life is about taking risks. Of course we won’t find what we’re looking for right away and may be stepped on before we get there, but isn’t getting rejected part of life? We just have to learn from each situation and keep putting ourselves out there. We are confident in so many aspects of our lives that this positive self-image is just an extension of our overall persona. Once our self-confidence begins to brew in the heart and mind rather than in a solo cup, then we relationship-lovers won’t be disappointed to learn that love doesn’t happen at a Bundy party. We need to make it happen somewhere we are completely comfortable being ourselves.
But for those of us who enjoy short-term, no-strings-attached, one-night relationships: Keep doing what feels right.