February 2, 2012
You’re hanging out in your boyfriend’s room, and you harmlessly borrow his laptop to check your email. You’re just about to open GMail when---OH MY GOD IS THAT TAB SET TO A PORN SITE?! Too curious to turn back, you open up the page, only to be met with a glaring screen full of vaginas—vaginas that aren’t yours.
I think there are a lot of women who would say finding porn on their boyfriend’s laptop would be an ultimate relationship deal-breaker. Looking at porn, in some women’s minds, is no different than cheating. “What’s the difference,” they might ask, “between jacking off to a video of a naked woman and actually sleeping with another naked woman?” Some women might interpret the porn as a sign of their boyfriends’ dissatisfaction with their sexual relationship, and might entirely lose their self-confidence. Others might freak out and instantly deem their boyfriend a pervert.
Now, I’m not saying that it’s absolutely wrong for you to take personal offense to your boyfriend’s porn habits; I’m only suggesting that you don’t have to. And it certainly doesn’t have to be an instant deal-breaker.
First of all, watching porn is not akin to cheating. I think it’s pretty illogical to equate to a pixel-y set of breasts on a 13-inch laptop screen to an actual, physical woman with thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Second, your boyfriend’s porn habits aren’t necessarily a sign of his dissatisfaction with your sexual relationship. For the most part, people don’t look at porn because they’re tired of their partners and would rather be having the sex with the moaning blond girl with fake boobs on Youporn.com. Rather, watching porn is about enjoying its general aura of hotness. It’s like using a vibrator; it isn’t a means of replacing your sexual partner because you’re dissatisfied. Instead, it’s a way to spend some quality time getting to know your body and explore yourself sexually. I do not believe that sexual dissatisfaction is inversely proportional to time spent watching porn. Watching porn is an activity within itself and not a product of an unfulfilled sexual relationship.
And thirdly, no—your boyfriend is not necessarily a pervert if he watches porn. Sure, there’s some weird stuff out there that should be avoided (snuff videos and women having sex with donkeys are generally signs that you should end your relationship), but otherwise, porn is really common—amongst men and women. Seriously—people have been watching other people have sex from the age of the Ancient Romans, when horny men paid the soon-to-be empress Theodora to let geese eat bird seeds out of her vagina. It’s basically a fixed feature of western civilization.
Now, not only is porn not a deal-breaker, it can actually be a really fun, positive addition to a sexual relationship. Personally, I see porn-watching as just another form of engaging in foreplay. It’s entertaining, it’s something you and your partner do together, and it can get you both really turned on. And hey, instead of having to take turns going down on each other, or configuring yourselves into 69, you can both get turned on simultaneously all from the comfort of a stationary seated position! Porn is also great to watch with your partner because it can give you inspiration for new moves to try, within reason.
Finally, women: Don’t be afraid to watch porn! Just like it’s okay for men to pleasure themselves on their own, it’s okay for you to have some fun exploring around the darker side of the Internet. Seriously, what are you supposed to do—wait for your man to get home so you can finally be pleasured sexually? Take your orgasms into your own hands, girls. And if you’re not crazy about the objectification of women in mainstream porn, you can even check out feminist porn, which is directed by women and targeted at a female audience. Girls: You might not each own vibrators, but I know you’ve got wifi from your dorm rooms.