April 3, 2014
Sex. Steam. What could go wrong? After all, people have sexy shower sex in movies all the time. The lovers are in some big-name city late at night with headlights flashing 40 stories below. Aside from the two lovers, there is only a gorgeous glass shower with a frosted door. Naked backs, passionate kisses, water running as the screen fades to black…
Spoiler alert: college shower sex is nothing like movie shower sex.
In Bundy, ‘sexy time’ typically begins in jail-cell-style lighting with the smell of stale weed wafting under the door. The first problem: There’s only one pair of shower shoes in the dorm room (cue Psycho music), which means walking barefooted on 40 years of built-up ick. Worse still: Unlike in fantasy shower scenes, the showers in most dorms are not connected to rooms. I have to walk through two hallways (and through a stairwell) littered with Keystone cans, where there is a high probability of running into multiple people I know. But it’s worth it, right?
Well, I’m not convinced. The way to the shower is unpleasant, but once I’m there, things just seem to get more complicated.
One of Bundy’s (almost) redeeming qualities is that it has a private 70s-style, grimy tub and shower combination in the back of the bathroom. In theory, a couple can get frisky undisturbed. In my experiences, however, a toilet always seems to flush at some point early on in the session and I’m forced to remember that I’m not starring in my own romantic comedy, but rather in a public bathroom making some poor girl’s pee extremely uncomfortable.
The floor’s cold on my feet and the water takes a while to heat up, so I do a very unsexy little dance. My shower buddy wince-smiles when I try to caress him with an icy hand. By the time the water’s hot enough for me, it’s too hot for him. Reaching a reasonable water temperature requires a level of compromise which many people, myself included, find difficult to reach.
Even once the water is warm it’s a hot commodity (pun entirely intended). No matter how wonderful my shower buddy is, he wants warm water running over his back just as much as I do. Power plays and passive aggressive nuzzling ensues. The temptation to nibble his ear as I strategically position myself under the blissful flow is almost too strong to resist.
Repositioning quickly becomes a necessity to avoid getting water in my eyes. I’m sure it’s pretty sexy to see my shower buddy with steamy water running down his body but I really wouldn’t know because my eyes have to be closed 80 percent of the time or else my contacts dry out (speaking of dry, when it comes to doing the actual dirty, forget it. Sex in water washes away natural lubrication, which can make sex downright painful if you’re not careful.
I don’t know what happens in those movies post fade-out but all that’s happening during my shower-sex attempt is an overwhelming wish that I’d gone to more Tuesday-Thursday yoga sessions and a fear of getting concussed (that is one EMT call I do not want to make). Side note: a Google search piece turned up some handy stick-on shower handles intended to make shower sex easier. If anyone in Bundy West wishes to invest in some, hit me up.
Anyway, by the time my beau and I make it back to the room, I’m more likely to feel exhausted and cold from my shower than ready to get weird. I’m sure shower sex gets a lot better when you have four walls all to yourself with someone special; but, in college, shower time is best if you go in post-sex with a sense of humor and kiddie goggles. Keep sexy time in the dorm room. If you’re doing it right, things will get plenty steamy.
What about you? Have you had shower sex? Was it super-fun or seriously overrated? Any embarrassing stories? Write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.