September 18, 2014
This column covers both silly and serious topics about sex and dating from the perspective of a poetry-loving, feminist psychology major. For topic suggestions, questions or other perspectives on sex in college, please email kcieplic@hamilton.edu.
Dear Brandon,
Thank you for your response to my article, “The Freshman’s Guide to Getting Some (Respect)” and, specifically, for making the important point that some hook-ups take “sincere” interest in each other. It is true that pre-hook-up, many people do take the time to get to know each other “over a beer” as you suggested. I agree that such conversations make for a better sexual experience. In fact, I would argue that all hook-ups should involve talking, at least to ensure consent and at best to make both people more comfortable with each other. Some hook-ups walk away friends and some even end up dating.
I must, however, question the sincerity of a conversation that happens before the standard random hook-up. Yes, maybe someone is interested in someone else’s personality and genuinely wants to meet them. But is the darkness of the Bundy dining hall really the best place to meet future friends? Is that really why most people go to parties? Maybe. But to me, if someone strikes up a conversation at a certain hour of the night, chances are their motivation is less than sincere.
We seem to be in agreement that hooking-up can be fun and healthy, but I again want to argue that it is fun and healthy only when approached as a selfish act. You are hooking-up because you want to get some. Any sort of friendship that comes out of the hook-up is a bonus, but not the goal of the hook-up. Hooking-up becomes stressful and disappointing when one or both parties think the other wants to get into their pants because of their extensive knowledge of Proust and vegetarian cuisine. That’s just not the way it is. Of course, interest in a person drives a good hook-up. But hooking-up is the goal a majority of the time in these situations, the person being interesting is just a bonus.
You do, however, bring up an interesting point: Are hook-ups always as selfish as I’m implying, or am I just cynical? Is there a situation when two hook-ups do care about each other? Take “friends with benefits” for instance, an important aspect of college dating that I excluded from my previous article. For what many college students are looking for, this is the perfect arrangement. They have a stable source of sexual satisfaction without the time, energy and potential heart-break that comes with a full-fledged relationship. This is a person with whom they share similar interests and are comfortable with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to date.
Perhaps this is the place where that sincere interest can really flourish. With consistent sexual intimacy, I would imagine that a sort of fondness for that friend develops. Would you take care of a sick one-night hook-up? Probably not. But a more consistent “friends with benefits?” maybe.
But wait, when talked about that way “friends with benefits” starts to sound an awful lot like a relationship only, as stated above, without the commitment to be faithful. Therefore, it is still selfish and needs to be selfish in the eyes of both parties. As popular culture has shown us, however, this selfish attitude is a difficult one to maintain. Remember Justin and Mila (Friends with Benefits), Ashton and Natalie (No Strings Attached)? In the archetypal “friends with benefits” storyline, two impossibly attractive people start out as friends, then start casually sleeping together. Then, against their better judgement, one falls for the other. And what do you know? The other falls for them too. The end. Unfortunately, things don’t always work out that well in real life. With each hook-up, the expectation that someone is sincerely interested increases. So does the risk of romantic feelings growing. “Friends with benefits,” though it may seem as though it would cultivate sincere interest, really just increases the potential for heartbreak and misunderstandings. The very nature of hooking-up does not allow for sincerity because it is only fun if you’re putting yourself above the other person. Life isn’t a rom com.
I therefore appreciate your feedback but stand by my argument that hook-ups don’t (and shouldn’t) care about each other on a very deep level. Of course respect is essential, and mutual interests are preferred. Until you are both committed to each other in an exclusive relationship, however, it’s too dangerous to develop those feelings. Hooking-up and “friends with benefits” are both activities that benefit the self. They satisfy you sexually and you are engaging with another person for your own gain. You can be interested in what a person is saying and still, at the end of the day, value yourself more. In a relationship, things change and suddenly you are expected to put the other person first and trust them with your feelings. Both hooking-up and relationships are valid expressions of sexuality, particularly in college, but realistic expectations for both can save you from heartache and unrealistic expectations.
Send feedback, comments and questions to kcieplic or spec@hamilton.edu.
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