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Tinfoil time at Conspiracy Theorists meeting

By Grant Hamilton ’18

I followed sounds of an X-Files theme-song trap-remix to a room full of people wearing tinfoil hats. This was the Conspiracy Theorists’ meeting, and I had the pleasure of attending this year’s first meeting. Although I expected pasty men with too much time and Cheetos’ crust on their hands, I was greeted by a variety of friendly and familiar faces. I voted in their poll asking whether extraterrestrials other than Ted Cruz serve in the U.S. Senate then took a seat. 

After introductions and a tinfoil hat making tutorial, (one can never be too careful when it comes to brainwaves), we watched YouTube videos of pasty men in front of green screens talking about life on Mars. Although this meeting was dedicated to aliens, the club explores new topics each time. Alternate dimensions, reptilian overlords and Tupac’s current whereabouts were all mentioned, as well as an entire week devoted to JFK conspiracies. The co-presidents, Kate Houghtaling ’16, Isabel Grieder ’18, Aaron Collins ’19 and Sophie Dizengoff ’18, recognize that conspiracy videos, no matter their levels of validity, are entertaining. The dedicated YouTubers who see documenting conspiracy theories as something of a civic responsibility publish content that ends up being more humorous than they may expect, much to our delight. YouTubers partially satisfy the co-presidents’ “fascination for weird people,” and Ted Cruz does the rest. 

Between each video, students posed mind-blowing “What if…” statements, to which non-believers would reply with such arguments as, “Because that’s wrong,” or “Because science.” The club’s co-presidents encouraged us to approach topics of discussion skeptically but as open-mindedly as we could manage. As fun as watching conspiracy videos may have been, the best part of the experience was the conversation. The co-presidents created an informal and intimate setting in which participants did not shy away from voicing their curiosities or criticisms. The room was full of laughter and students came up with original theories that were genuinely clever. 

All this amounted to what was the most enjoyable club meeting I have ever attended. Although we never came to a solid conclusion on aliens, we still accomplished what the co-presidents hoped for: funny yet thought-provoking conversation. The topics discussed in meetings are engaging because 18 other perspectives are present. The Conspiracy Theorists do not just laugh anything off, but they do not take anything too seriously either– again, I wore a tinfoil hat during the meeting. During my conversation with the co-presidents after the meeting, it was clear that they are educated, amicable and organized. They are not paranoid or diehard conspiracy creeps–– they are peers who believe in science but enjoy considering the far-fetched. 

Looking forward, the co-presidents hope to receive a club email from Student Assembly and funding for tinfoil. A field trip to Area 51 was also discussed, but who knows whether Student Assembly will sign off on funding for it. The co-presidents devote much of their time to, and carefully plan, each meeting, but they still see its founder, Catherine Conroy, ’16 as the club’s heart and soul. The co-presidents had endless praise for Conroy and cite her as a major reason for their involvement. Conroy’s successors also emphasized her great sense of humor–– I always got a laugh out of her emails and am told she could make tinfoil into a pope hat like no other. 

I ended our conversation by asking the co-presidents whether they were aware of any conspiracy theories related to Hamilton College. They said that Alexander Hamilton may be in suspended animation and can neither confirm nor deny whether our new president is a reptilian humanoid sent to turn the Continentals into human batteries. They did however tell me a ghost story. Apparently the defunct swimming pool beneath Couper Hall is haunted by a slighted lover. Who knew? I also asked what their thoughts are on UFO-denier and recent Great Names Series speaker Neil deGrasse Tyson. Although the co-presidents believe in science and are big fans of the astrophysicist, they still had to remind me: trust no one. 

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