Features

Sex and the Campus: Love yourself this Valentine’s Day

By Kate Cieplicki ’16

Tags features

Valentine’s Day is a tough day to be single, so I’ve crafted a fool-proof way to not only survive, but thrive this Sunday if your love life is less than popping.

Stay away from social media

Spare yourself the self-hatred and hatred of humanity that often comes from seeing mushy gushy photo collages of couples doing couple-y things while you chill alone in your room listening to “Secondhand Serenade.” If ever there was a day to take a break from social media, this is the day. Instead…

Host a single friends only hang

Just because you’re not dating someone doesn’t mean you have to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Get a bunch of single friends together (this is a time for solidarity). You can order take-out if you don’t feel like braving the throngs of couples enjoying candle lit dinners. Or you can go to restaurants and mock them from neighboring tables. Alcohol, hot cider, or other cozy beverages are a must for such a gathering, so go all out. Take this time to reflect on all the great things about being single: no one relying on you and plenty of free time for self-reflection. Then spend the rest of your time bashing your exes with the help of Voodoo dolls, old love letters and an open flame. You definitely dodged a bullet there. End the night with the antithesis of Valentine’s Day: a fun, violent movie with minimal plot and even less romance. Bonus points if two lovers’ distracted displays of affection somehow get them killed. Serves them right.

Send yourself a Buffergram

Way better than sending yourself flowers: this is the Valentine’s Day gift that keeps on giving. Not only will the singing Buffers make you feel desirable, everyone witnessing the Buffergram will see you as more desirable! Practice your look of coy surprise in the mirror to maximize the effect.

Masturbate in an academic building

Everyone likes to boast about the crazy sex they had on the third floor of the library that one time during finals week (yeah right) but you don’t need a consistent hook-up to join in on the fun. Scope out a hidden spot on campus where it is unlikely that you will be caught and go for it ;)! The next time a party conversation turns to sex in public you’ll have your own wild (and slightly concerning) sexual exploit to share.

Buy a fish.

Even if you take all of this advice, this time of year may still have you feeling a little lonely and in need of someone to nurture and spend time with. Head over to Petsmart to fill that need in a healthy Res-Life friendly way that can’t give you an STD: get a fish! Give him a real person name like Steven or Susan and suddenly you’re practically one of your hooking-up, relationship-savvy pals. For example, you can tell acquaintances: “I’m pretty worried, Steven doesn’t say much and I’m not sure where we stand” to contribute to conversations about ghosting by hook-ups. Steven will keep you company as you watch Netflix alone late on Sunday nights and he’ll listen to your worries and dreams without judgment (or any facial reaction whatsoever). He may even share some of your Tito’s (don’t overdo this one). Building a relationship with a fish is also great practice for the romantic relationship that is surely in your future. When Steven dies sometime this April it will be an important lesson in letting go and moving on to other fish in the sea.

Relationships can be fun and fulfilling, but only if you want one and you’re in one with the right person. If being in a relationship isn’t for you or hasn’t happened for you by Valentine’s Day, spend some time with a cool, smart and funny person: yourself! After all, love interests (and pet fish) will come and go but the relationship that you have with yourself is forever.

All Features