Features
Fools for the first
By Cilly Geranios ’19 and Molly Geisinger ’19
March 30, 2017
Tags features
1. Hide under your bed when you know your roommate will be coming home soon and then pop out to scare the unsuspecting victim.
2. Tape a sign to your friend’s back saying, “Bonus swipes are on me.”
3. Consume your friend’s alcohol stash and refill the empty bottles with grape juice (wine), water (vodka) or ginger ale (beer).
4. Unplug your friend’s charging phone at night... We recommend 1:03 am.
5. If you’ve got whipped cream or shaving cream handy, spray some in a sleeping friend’s palm and then tickle their nose with a feather.
6. Text a friend in the middle of the night - again we recommend between midnight and sunrise - that you’ve got a body with no place to put it. Wait to see who’s your real friend.
7. On Martin’s Way, make direct eye contact with anyone in your path for longer than five seconds.
8. Call a carpet cleaning service requesting help for blood stains in carpet... Prepare for police intervention.
9. Go to Diner and ask for a single chicken tender. If you’re offered a meal, refuse.
10. Pack cotton balls in a snack container (a plastic baggie or Tupperware). Pull out your packed snack in the middle of studying and commence snacking. If confronted, aggressively chew while maintaining eye contact.
11. Walk through KJ toward the water feature in full swim gear. Not simply your swimsuit, but a wetsuit if you can find one, as well as goggles, a swim cap and flippers. Dip your right flipper and then leave because it’s too cold.
12. Stand on the balcony of the gym and begin cheering for the rock climbers below. If possible, we recommend full cheerleading costumes, complete with pom-poms, a foam finger and face paint.
13. On the bridge, heckle pedestrians for money. You’re now the bridge troll and they must pay a toll. Wear an outfit that reflects your new position (a colorful wig, bellybutton gems and ugly colors recommended).
14. If you live with a roommate, begin redecorating the room—perhaps even rearranging the furniture. We suggest obnoxiously bright posters or overly sexual imagery.
15. Paint your face orange, acquire a blond wig with amazing volume and questionable style. On your Snapchat story, report alternative news.
16. Begin stripping while the Star Wars theme song plays in the background. If questioned, say you’re starting a rival streaking team and open to new recruits. Request their contact info.
17. Put laxatives in a Commons salt shaker to give everyone the “Commons runs” for real.